Matthew Weiner is a literary man. Individual episodes may be slow. But, sometimes, slow is required for the masterful, coherent whole he is creating. Mad Men is really a novel played out on a television screen. This week, we find out Don is sober, monogamous and ready to go back to work.

Don surprises Megan in California. Shit gets real, after immediate coitus. She finds out he “surprised” her at Alan Silver’s behest, because she was losing it. He confesses he has not been working the past few months (and, thus, has been away from California by choice). Megan kicks him out, saying “this is the way it ends.” While things improve with a phone call, Don will never move West. They go through the motions of saving things, as they have gone through the motions of being married.

Where Don will commit is work. He receives a rival agency offer. He eschews the blonde in the hotel room, bringing the envelope to Roger to leverage himself back. His return to SC&P reiterates “this is a hierarchy.”

Jim Cutler has made his power bid. He co-opts Joan. He tries to co-opt Harry Crane and his computer. He has his own creative guy in place, who is not Ted but adequate. Roger counters, as president of the company, by bringing Don back without telling anyone. The partners can’t afford to buy Don out and fear him working elsewhere. However awkward for him and others, Don is back in the game.

Honesty remains the cardinal sin. Don will perform his penance. He is demoted and must answer to Lou Avery. He will be babysat with clients. He must stay sober in the workplace. Ominously, he will be placed in Lane’s old office (was it still vacant?). His return, ironically, was facilitated by the partners’ inability to be honest with him and each other.

Male characters – Pete in the 1st episode, Ken, Ginsberg, Ken Cosgrove – are willing to welcome him back. Female characters, Peggy and Joan, with whom he forged deeper connections, are the most hostile. Peggy informs Don he was not missed, even though he was. He isn’t immune to Peggy’s charms and doesn’t ask what got “her pantyhose in a bunch.”

This conflict was not rife with tension, beyond the palpable awkwardness. Don was always coming back. As great as Jon Hamm’s “feeling the impact of words” face is, the show needs him interacting with characters again. There are too few episodes, or pages, left for such a radical dramatic departure.

Betty makes her first appearance this season. She begins by bragging about Henry being up for “AG.” The conversation leaves her feeling purposeless and “old-fashioned” as her lunch companion discusses her job. Betty brings up the kids, but she does not even take an active role in that. She decides to attend Bobby’s field trip, asserting her role as mother.

Bobby is desperate for attention from her. He is ecstatic just having her there. He bubbles to the teacher that “we were having a conversation.” He chases off a boy who tries to take her spot.

Betty is desperate for attention from Bobby. She’s jealous he likes the bra-less teacher. She drinks the milk to impress him. She overreacts when he trades away her sandwich to a girl for some candy (painful shot of Bobby eating the gum drop). Come evening, Betty is still guilt-tripping him. She wonders why her children don’t love her, when they have been desperate for her to love them.

I wonder where “Betty” may have gone with a stronger actress than January Jones. A character that should be a subtle, intricate and intriguing fellow traveler to Don comes off as flat and awful. Jones looks like Betty should look. But a woman with Hamm’s ability to emote may have done more with that role.

The episode closes with Jimi Hendrix’s “if 6 was 9.” Weiner’s pop culture references are never flippant, especially when it’s a brand name, the Beatles or Jimi. It’s an atypical Hendrix song, more interesting for its lyrics than the guitar play. It’s rough and grainy, purportedly cobbled together from an ironed out tape after the initial master was destroyed. It also features on the soundtrack for the seminal 1969 counterculture film “Easy Rider.”

As “Tomorrow Never Knows” captures 1966, “If 6 was 9” captures 1969. It’s a cry for individualism. What does individualism mean when individualism becomes the mass consumer culture? Everyone is growing their hair out. “Mr. White Business Man” Roger Sterling is practicing free love and wearing colorful ties with a fair whiff of Jimi Hendrix.

King Tommen – Man, like 3 hours ago we didn’t even know this kid’s name and now he’s lord of the Seven Kingdoms? Of course, his only lines so far have been “Yes, Grandfather” and “[shakes head vigorously at Margaery].” If he every has more than two lines in an episode, he’s probably going to lose his head in the final scene.

Margaery – You know how your significant other asks you if you want the last piece of pizza and you have to go through the, “Oh, no. Not if you want it. I’m kind of full. You can have it. I mean, if you aren’t going to eat it. I guess. You’re sure you don’t want it?” dance? That’s Margaery talking to Cersei. Yes, she wants the damn pizza. Being Queen is the last piece of pizza. Everybody wants the last piece of pizza. Why must we do this dance!? Everybody wants to be Queen and everybody wants to eat pizza.

Ser Pounce – Apparently, last week was Ser Pounce’s one and only appearance of the entire season. This is more bullshit than you would see in a week in Flea Bottom. I know they have a talented graphics department on this show. If they can have dragons, they can CGI a damn cat into the background of some castle scenes over the next few weeks.

How is HBO going to do this to us? The Internet loves cats. Why wouldn’t they just have the cat hanging out on set and if he happened to be sleeping in the background, so be it. What makes it worse is that in the books Ser Pounce serves as one of King Tommen’s most trusted advisers. (I may have misheard the last part, but still.) #BringBackSerPounce

Cersei – I’m going to call my little brother and leave him a voicemail that is just Cersei explaining that you always love the first child most.

Dany – Man, mo’ money and freed slaves, mo’ problems. She’s stuck with Daario Naharis 2.0 and Ser Jorah the Wet Blanket. Now she’s got to go back and defeat Cleon the Butcher and it’s like she’s playing Chutes and Dragons and she just fell down a chute and has to free all the damn slaves again. I haven’t seen The Warriors in a long time. Was there a gang named The Dragons that was stuck on the subway the entire movie? Wait, before we go, is there any sort of epic imagery that shows that Danaerys is ready to rule?

OK. Good. I thought for a second they forgot.

Little Finger, Sansa, Lysa and Robin – Now, there is a lot to unpack here. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen every episode of GoT at least twice. Still, everything about this was a surprise. We found out that Lysa killed Jon Arryn and that Baelish was involved. This is stuff from before Ned died. Talk about a long con. And now they’re married. Twice over apparently.

Now Sansa is learning that Catelyn was fat (Maybe Lysa should have been the one they called “Cat” because me-ow.) and that she’s going to have to marry Robin who really needs a haircut and doesn’t exactly take great care of his toys.

I’m sure no one will find out about Sansa. The Arryn mother and son have the subtlety of tack hammers. Everything about these scenes was so awkward. Right down to the love-making that could be heard across the Narrow Sea. Though I do love Baelish’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” faces.

Tywinn – Note to self: Do not pat Tywinn Lannister on the back.

The Iron Bank of Bravos – I wonder if they waive ATM fees?

Arya and The Hound – Not much to say about this duo. They’re still funny and awesome and I just feel like The Hound is teaching me so much about life on the streets. Arya is going to learn to keep it real whether she likes it or not.

Prince Oberyn – I like this guy. I hope he takes over Little Finger’s brothel and forgets about avenging.

Pod – Worst. Squire. Ever. Talk about a bad first day on the job.

Brienne – Just like everyone else, I’m sure she’ll grow to love Pod.

Hodor – Have you ever seen Pacific Rim? Well the scene where Bran takes over Hodor’s mind is basically Pacific Rim, except good. I also wonder if Hodor could start talking with a full vocabulary when Bran goes into his head.

Also, last week I asked for a commercial to help fight cruelty to Hodors set to Sarah McLachlan music. A couple days later @TerpsHimself came through with this awesome effort that was basically everything I envisioned. So let’s all share this video and give it the viral life it deserves. And please Hodor.

Locke – Stillwater’s manager wanted Bran and I couldn’t remember why. Lisk says that Roose Bolton offered lots of land and Dire Sheep or something for the living Stark boys. However, he didn’t know Bran was at Craster’s Keep so that was pretty lucky. Oh well. Now he’s dead.

Jon Snow – I did not like the way his final battle went down. Disarmed by a man with two daggers and saved by a malnourished inbred teenager? That doesn’t bode well if he’s the best fighter at Castle Black.

Karl Tanner – Farewell. This guy looked so familiar. Turns out he was the scientist in the Flowers for Charlie episode of “Always Sunny” which was presumably shot after he and Charlie Day were both scientists in Pacific Rim. Also, Karl Tanner could have been a long lost cousin on Full House. There was a lot going on with this guy. And he got one of the most badass deaths in the entire show.

Craster’s Keep - Burn mother burn. Another for Arrested Westeros. I just hope Sam remembered to mail the insurance check. Sam?

ON THE NEXT – I try to avoid next on, but I got caught up and saw this one and IT MOVED.

I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky again this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. My wife says I talk like William Shatner when I’m doing the podcast! You can listen to last week’s podcast here. I’ll update this with a link when the new one goes up. [Here's this week's podcast in which I explain how Coach was my favorite show when I was growing up. Who knew?]

RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Oathkeeper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Breaker of Chains” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Lion and the Rose” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Two Swords” Recap

Cass Mastern lived for a few years and in that time he learned that the world is all of one piece. He learned that the world is like an enormous spider web and if you touch it however lightly, at any point, the vibration ripples to the remotest perimeter and the drowsy spider feels the tingle and is drowsy no more but springs out to fling the gossamer coils about you who have touched the web and then inject the black, numbing poison under your hide. It does not matter whether or not you meant to brush the web of things. Your happy foot or your gay wing may have brushed it ever so lightly, but what happens always happens and there is the spider, bearded black and with his great faceted eyes glittering like mirrors in the sun, or like God’s eye, and the fangs dripping.

 – Robert Penn Warren, All The King’s Men

“Monolith” closes with the Hollies’ 1967 song “On a Carousel.” That recalls Don’s Kodak Carousel pitch in Season One. He cycles through a series of sentimental family photos, wincing at each turn with nostalgia, the “pain from old wounds.” Old wounds he’s now exploiting as an artifice to sell advertising.

Past decisions impact on us more broadly than anticipated. They can’t help but shape the present and the future. Don, Roger and Pete experience that truth in this week’s episode.

Don inhabits Lane’s old office. That’s pretty much all he’s doing. No one bothered to tell him about the new computer. He discovers Lane’s Mets pennant, crumpled under a heater, and rehangs it. Lane was sort of where Don is now. His importance no longer has currency. Don’s colleagues no longer trust him. It was Don no longer trusting Lane that, perhaps, pushed him to “leave the company” in the manner that he did.

The Burger Chef account opens the door for Don to get working, but as Peggy’s copywriter. Bert informs him he has a “fundamental misunderstanding” and no “creative crisis” will swing him back into favor. This gets him back drinking, albeit out of a Coke can. Freddy Rumsen drags him from the office, sobers him up and reminds him he has to “Do the Work.” At the episode’s end he is back at the typewriter.

The Mets pennant is an ominous connection back to Lane’s failure and suicide. But, in 1969, it can also mean rebirth.

Roger is charged with chasing down his daughter Margaret, who has run off to become Marigold at a hippie commune. He sympathizes with her desire to escape “the hierarchy.” Margaret is just like Roger, even if that means “she is a perverse child who only thinks of herself.” Like Roger, she abandons him in the night as they were forming a connection.

Margaret is intent on being an absent mother, as Roger gave little thought at the time to being an absent father. As he well knows, “it’s not that hard.”

Pete is absorbed by his new California life. But, through a chance encounter with George, he’s brought right back into his old life. He discovers his father-in-law has suffered a heart attack, one that he probably helped precipitate. No one thought to inform him. He’s jolted, but not enough to avoid flipping it into a major national account.

* The Monolith refers to the inscrutable machines in 2001 Space Odyssey, an obvious parallel to the large computer being loudly installed throughout the episode. Don has a conversation with Lloyd about “finite” men and “infinite” machines. Mad Men often frets about free will, and whether there is a broader meaning to human existence. What is that existence when man’s tools for understanding have overpowered him? Or, specific to the show, what value is the intuition involved in creativity, if people’s preferences can be spelled out with precise data?

* Don is readying Philip Roth’s 1969 novel Portnoy’s Complaint. Man balances conscience with insatiable urge for sex that leaves him empty, as he grapples for identity amidst a changing world. Sounds familiar.

* Lou Avery possibly heard Peggy’s jab at him. But regardless he’s trying to drive a wedge between her and Don. A $100 per week raise adds up to about $35,000 per year in 2014 dollars, so not insignificant.

* Ginsburg, with “masturbating gloomily” and now the couch full of farts, is batting 2/4 this season on best comic relief lines.

* The “Frazier the Key Tonight” headline seems to be a reference to Walt, rather than Joe. The boxer would obviously be “key” in a boxing match. So, if the Knicks are still in the playoffs, that puts us around Mid-April.

Today is the 17th anniversary of the Friends episode, “The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion.” It was the 24th episode of the 3rd season of Friends and is a hell of a time capsule for the UFC. The episode originally aired on May 8, 1997 which is years before Dana White and the Fertitta brothers took over. Yet, in a sport where careers are relatively short, the episode featured people still closely connected with the sport today.

In case you have forgotten, the episode featured Jon Favreau as “Pete,” Monica’s millionaire boyfriend who wanted to become “the Ultimate Fighting Champion.” The episode aired a few weeks before UFC 13 (May 30, 1997) and multiple months after UFC 12 (February 7, 1997).

To put that break in perspective, the UFC will host two cards on the same day later this month. Anyone who follows the sport knows that the idea of a 3 month layoff between UFC events is insane. Of course, as we’ll learn shortly, there was also a time when 20 million people would watch an NBC sitcom on a weekly basis. The times, they have a-changed.

On Friends, Pete makes his UFC debut against Tank Abbott, presumably somewhere in the New York metro area that holds 20,000 people. Let’s just call it “UFC: Friends.” As you’ll see in the video above, Ross and Monica both sat ringside. Ross even enjoys “the Ultimate Fighting combo.” Sanctioned mixed martial arts and a gallon of cola. (New York politicians must have had a horrible time in the 90’s.)

Three familiar faces are involved in Pete’s fight – Bruce Buffer, John McCarthy and Tank Abbott.

17 years later and Buffer is still the voice of the UFC and McCarthy is still one of the sport’s premiere referees.

(It should also be noted that Pete makes his entrance by paying tribute to Royce Gracie with the New York version of the “Gracie Train.”)

“Big” John McCarthy was the man in charge of the fight and as you can see, he was wearing a “Judgment Day” patch on his shirt. It wasn’t a nod to Terminator 2, which came out 6 years earlier, it was the name of UFC 12, which means this fight could have taken place in Dothan, Alabama. The logistics of that are ridiculous when you look at the rest of the episode. (More on that briefly.)

Tank Abbott is Pete’s opponent. At the time the episode aired, Abbott was 6-4 in his career and coming off a loss to Don Frye. Tank’s career went downhill after his win over Pete Becker at UFC: Friends. A few weeks later at UFC 13, Abbott would get wrecked by Vitor Belfort in a super fight. (VIDEO: Again, that was 17 years ago. Belfort was briefly scheduled to fight for the UFC middleweight title at UFC 173 which takes place in TWO WEEKS.)

Tank Abbott is retired now. His last fight was about 13 months ago at the age of 47. He finished his career with a 10-15 record, but he’ll always have proof that he could kick John Favreau’s ass.

Despite the loss to Tank Abbott at UFC: Friends, Becker somehow got another fight in the UFC. Since Pete chose to pursue becoming “The Ultimate Fighter,” Monica dumped him. Wait a second. This episode of Friends aired nearly 8 years before The Ultimate Fighter debuted on SpikeTV. Did someone in the Friends’ writers’ room name “The Ultimate Fighter”?

Later in the episode the gang gathered at Rachel and Monica’s apartment to watch Pete’s next fight. As you can see, they watch like you and your friends watch sports. With arms around each other and everyone seated as uncomfortably as possible right in front of the television in the same 4-square foot area.

Surprisingly, there was one person associated with the UFC who did not appear in this episode – Joe Rogan. Rogan started working with the UFC at UFC 12 and was on NBC’s NewsRadio from 1995-1999.

Despite this episode taking place not too far removed from the “human cockfighting” era, Friends handled the depiction of MMA fans very favorably. No meathead bros wearing smedium sparkly skull t-shirts are shown. In fact, the one fan who does get any screen time is this guy.

Are those… beaded bangs? He looks like a character from a Key & Peele sketch about the 90’s. The honest truth is that I stumbled on this episode of Friends on TBS yesterday afternoon, caught a glimpse of this guy’s hair and needed an excuse to post these pictures. The fact that the episode originally aired today and has a sports connection is pure coincidence.

When the UFC signed a deal with FOX 14 years later, many people thought that the UFC had broken through to the mainstream. Turns out the UFC went big time on NBC back in 1997. The first UFC card on FOX drew 5.7 million viewers. This episode of Friends was watched by 23.1 million people. While that seems insane, you should know it was the second-lowest rated episode of the entire season. (Know that the MMA media would have studied that number very closely if it existed back then.)

This was well before the UFC as we currently know it. This was before Jon Jones, Ronda Rousey, Dana White, SpikeTV, FOX, The Ultimate Fighter, and any concern about steroids, either in the UFC or sports in general. I remember watching this episode, but didn’t watch an actual UFC fight for another 8 years or so. This little MMA time capsule proves that the UFC has been “mainstream” forever, Friends was a trendsetter and we are all getting old. Seriously. This was 17 years ago.

We’re really starting to move now, which makes me start to feel very sad about whoever is not going to be around for Season 5. Oh well. Watching Game of Thrones is like owning a pet. You love them and have such fun while you have them but someday little imp of a dog is going to be gone and I don’t even want to talk about it right now.

(Minor note to Ommegang: Every single poison name from Maester Pycelle’s list should be made into a beer.)

The Iron Bank – How does the Iron Bank have nothing to do with the Iron Islands? “If you don’t want to pay the iron price for ATM fees, use the Iron Bank.”

That awkward moment when you’re waiting for a bank loan…

I just wish Ser Davos had sat on the Iron Banker Managers’ (That’s what they’re called, right?) desk and offered to “change their minds.” Dragons, zombies, mind-melding… the Iron Bank is somehow the most fantastical thing in this entire world. And much like everyone else, they are prone to going with whoever gives the best speech.

Ser Davos – His love of Stannis is wonderful. Especially when he breaks out the “He’s in his prime! He should be swingin’!” I just can’t wait for Stannis to lose the war – again – and Ser Davos gives him this talk. OK, I think this will be the last of the Seinfeld references.

Pirate Jokes – Arrrrrr not good in any world.

Yara Greyjoy – At the start of her raid, I had such high hopes for Yara and the ironborn. Reading the letter was motivating. I was ready for heads to roll. Turns out they are probably the rednecks of Westeros. Big on sword rights and bad ideas.

Reek – Kind of sad. Of course, when you meet your sister for the first time and try to pleasure her on a horse, things do get awkward. It’s understandable to try and avoid a long boatride.

Ramsay Snow – The darkest and craziest character on the show. I am actually kind of looking forward to see what he does next. I mean, he’s all sex and violence. Considering how uncomfortable and boring last year’s Ramsay scenes were, this is quite an accomplishment.

Dragons – The Lannisters’ dismissal of Dany’s dragons as “baby dragons” is the advanced statistics vs. eyeball test debate of Game of Thrones. DRAGOMETRICS? Right now the dragons are simply compiling stats against inferior opponents.

Dany – If you thought Dany walking through the desert, knocking on doors was boring, let me tell you about when she decides to take a seat and “rule.” Tell me again why you want to be Queen? Right now she’s ruling a city and it does not look fun. Also, we’re now raising questions about the morality of war.

“Your dragons burned my goats!”
“Well, your kid threw rocks at my dragons!”

Missandei – She has to stand there and repeat Dany’s resume for like 16 hours a day.

Prince Oberyn – The more we see of this guy, the more I like him. He’s funny, smart and dangerous. Though he is kind of a wine snob. That could get annoying.

Mace Tyrell – Margaery’s dad is a hoot. A straight up hoot. If I could use one word to describe him it would be “bumbling,” yet somehow he’s on the doorstep of arranging for his daughter to marry her third king.

Margaery Tyrell – Hey!

Varys – Unless everybody kills everybody else, I really don’t see how Varys becomes king. Though, everybody killing everybody else is a distinct possibility so maybe he ends up winning the Game of Thrones.

THE PEOPLE VS. TYRION LANNISTER
This trial has been a long time coming. And yes, this is Peter Dinklage’s Emmy nomination episode. Though can you imagine an 85-year old Emmy voter who has never seen Game of Thrones seeing the scene where the pirate is telling the joke about the brown pants? Dinklage was wonderful, but that’s probably not a good sign.

Having said that, every moment the camera was on Tyrion from the moment that Shae walked in was heartbreaking. Just brutal. All he wanted was to keep Shae safe.

How about this – We just pretend the brother-sister rape scene thing never happened and just like Jaime? Can we do that? Can someone go back and edit that scene out forever?

As for the final moments…

A trial by combat. The first time he got out of a trial for his life he asked for Jaime and Bronn stepped up. Can he have a champion? Will Tyrion have to fight for himself? Will Jaime have to fight Tyrion? Or Bronn? Could Prince Oberyn step up having smelled the bullshit? One of those four characters is probably going to die in the next episode. I guess I hope it’s Oberyn, but not really. I hate this show.

I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky again this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. My wife says I talk like William Shatner when I’m doing the podcast! You can listen to last week’s podcast here. I’ll update this with a link when the new one goes up. 

RELATED: Game of Thrones: “First of His Name” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Oathkeeper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Breaker of Chains” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Lion and the Rose” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Two Swords” Recap

Normally, we find an overarching theme. Though “The Runaways” felt like an inchoate assembly of vignettes. Perhaps Weiner is playing with structure, enabling viewers to feel the dislocated year 1969 in a novel way. Perhaps he just needed a hodgepodge episode, to advance the plot.

Betty and Megan’s stories parallel each other. Both women felt disconnected and disenfranchised within their respective marriages. Megan confronts Stephanie, Anna Draper’s niece, who returns this season pregnant and counter-culturefied. Don dithered about her last, urgent call about Anna’s death. This time he is prompt and responsive, promising to get out there on a plane that night. He entrusts her to Megan.

For Megan, Stephanie embodies her marital insecurity. Megan does not know all of Don’s (and Dick’s) secrets. They do not have a biological connection through a child. Not only can she not provide what Don wants, she does not know what that is. Megan dismisses Stephanie with “no strings” and $1,000 from Don’s checkbook.

Then there’s the threesome, with some rather explicit crotch grabbing by TV standard. Megan tries to reach Don on a different onion layer, by feeling what he feels screwing other women. But it’s not necessarily about that for him. What’s supposed to draw the two of them deeper does nothing. The morning after, Don is more concerned for Stephanie and for saving himself at work. His body goes through the motions. His mind is everywhere but their marriage.

Betty makes a political wife gaffe during a progressive dinner with neighbors. She laments protesters at home sapping morale from the war effort. That was Henry’s old party line. Nixon now wants to extricate the U.S. from Vietnam, and Henry supports the President. Henry instructs her to “leave the thinking to me.” Sally also jabs at her intelligence and utility: “where would Mom be without her perfect nose.” By the end of the episode, she’s “thinking for herself” by refusing to leave the kitchen and exclaiming “I’m not stupid. I speak Italian.”

Don runs into Harry Crane, who shows up at Megan’s party. She, not surprisingly, wants him out (see above). Over drinks, Harry reveals Jim Cutler and Lou Avery are lining up a major cigarette account. Given Don’s public letter-writing past, it would be an account that would force him out of the agency. Don surprises them at a meeting and flips the table on them, asserting that he would be the perfect asset to hawk cigarettes. He is the almighty pitch man, and he has only one principle: self-preservation.

Ginsberg…has been driven mad by the computer. He has always been prey to his impulses, the neurotic child born amidst the apex of human depravity in a Nazi Concentration Camp. While others erect filter upon filter between themselves and society, Ginsberg has none. He plugs his ears with tissues to block out the humming to no avail. In another reference to 2001 Space Odyssey, he tries to read the lips of Cutler and Avery conspiring in the computer room, concluding the computer is turning them into “homos.” He arrives at Peggy’s apartment and tries to have sex with her. Monday, at work, he presents her a jewelry box, containing his nipple, the antenna. “Get out while you can.”

His demise was jarring – it’s hard for a nipple in a box not to be – but it seemed weird for what had been a bit character to undergo that thorough of a meltdown that fast. There may be foreshadowing in hindsight. Though, it’s hard to track that with a character barely (or far too) tethered to reality as a baseline.

We also discover Lou Avery’s secret creative outlet, a series of chaste, outdated “Scout’s Honor” cartoons. This becomes a running joke to the younger writers. Avery hears it all, “from your first fart to your last dying breath,” and goes on a screed about ridiculous dreams and “flag burning snots.” To be hip, Avery references a Bob Dylan song, released a world away in 1963.

It’s now the era of Nixon and “lawn awduh.” There’s a cultural rift still prevalent today, between people who want to move forward and retreat. But this felt like too literal of a reflection on it. For illicit creativity, we preferred Kenny Cosgrove’s illicit sci-fi writing career.

RELATED: Mad Men: “The Monolith” Recap
RELATED: Mad Men Recap: “Field Trip”
RELATED: Mad Men Recap: “A Day’s Work”
RELATED: Mad Men Recap: “Time Zones”

Tyrion – Just another amazing episode for Peter Dinklage. This time playing realistic (for a show with dragons) scenes with a brother, friend and presumed enemy. Don’t do it. Don’t you dare do it, writers. *sigh*

If only Game of Thrones would end like this…

Jaime – I love how he always draws the line at mentioning him banging his sister. So strange that this is the one thing in Westeros that is a no-no. And shouldn’t he have learned to use both hands as a youngster? I bet Arya is a skilled swordsman with both hands. At least he doesn’t have to get married now.

The Mountain – For those of you keeping score at home, this is the third actor to play The Mountain. May I introduce you to Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, a 6’9″ Icelandic strongman competitor? According to Wikipedia, he got into strongman contests after a knee injury ended his basketball career. Here’s a picture of him with Lena Headey on set laughing. (That prop sword is as tall as she is!) Oh, the mixed emotions. As awesome and badass as he seems, I really hope he dies in two weeks.

Arya and The Hound – The Hound without his armor is so vulnerable. Maybe because he’s not wearing anything under his kilt. Never tell Arya Stark your name – even if The Hound asks.

Jon Snow – Maybe somebody should listen to him? Nah. I’m sure it will all work out for everyone.

Tyrion and Bronn – This might be Tyrion’s saddest goodbye yet. (Non-Shae division.) Oh, Bronn. Remember when these two first got together? This is true to Bronn’s character and as Jaime said, Tyrion is a realist.

Dany – I’ll give Daario/Sonny this much – he helped Khaleesi get her groove back. Anything to get her out of those jeggings and back into dresses. A necessary evil. Objectifying an underling? Dany is starting to act like a real King. Though I have to wonder how the dragons would react to seeing their mom having sex. That’s probably how the entire thing ends, right? The dragons see their mother having sex and burn everything to the ground then spend the next season on an In Treatment crossover.

Melisandre and Mrs. Stannis – Wait, is this the weirdest love-triangle in the Seven Kingdoms? Every episode there’s a new contender.

Jorah – You know that scene in “Rock of Ages” where . . . have I said way too much? Moving on. Poor Jorah. As if the perpetual friend zone couldn’t get any more intense. We have a deep emotional connection and trust! It’s like the beginning of “Old School” when Mitch’s wife assures him it’s “purely sexual.”

Hot Pie – You cannot give up on the gravy. Words to live by.

Brienn and Pod – I think we have found the duo to play private detectives Dog & Bucket.

Prince Oberyn – What a scene. From the moment The Mountain showed up, I knew Prince Oberyn was going to be our champion. Our HERO. Didn’t matter. From the minute his story about meeting baby Tyrion started I knew how it was ending. Didn’t matter. I’m not going to pretend that I had the same reaction as Tyrion when he finally said, “I will be your champion.”

/runs away crying

Sansa – At least she has one of the top three child-slappings in GoT history.

Ned Stark and Catelyn Stark – RIP. Were these the only two people in the entire world who raised their children the right way!?

Littlefinger – Lord Baelish is King of Magic Mountain now. I guess.

Lysa – Good riddance. Didn’t hate to see you go, but loved watching you fly away.

Memorial Day Weekend – I hope no one dies on the one week they don’t show an episode.

I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky again this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. We’ll also talk about other random stuff while I try to keep the conversation on track. You can listen to that here.

RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Laws of Gods and Men” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “First of His Name” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Oathkeeper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Breaker of Chains” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Lion and the Rose” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Two Swords” Recap

“The Strategy” traces the formation of the ad pitch from start to finish. We begin outside Burger Chef, with Peggy conducting field research. We finish inside Burger Chef, with Don, Peggy and Pete “celebrating” the finished product. Like some of the best work of seasons past, the pitch reduces Don and Peggy’s pain to a fundamental level and channels it toward selling a product. It is about families, and the longing for one. So is the episode.

Roles are reversed. Megan is flying cross-country to visit Don. Scurrying around the apartment cleaning, he’s the one who seems more desperate to make it work. He feels more at home with her there. She doesn’t need summer clothes. She is moving her “things” to her new life. As Don relates to Peggy, he fears he doesn’t have anyone.

Pete returns home to visit his daughter. He has left New York, but New York has not left him. He’s still not divorced, legally or mentally. In a reversal, he’s the one sitting in the kitchen, waiting for Trudy who has been out on the town with another man. Inveterate hypocrite that he is, Pete feels compelled to guilt trip her, and smash a beer into her chocolate cake for spite. It also appears his relationship with Bonnie is over. He did join the Mile High Club though, so the trip is not a total loss.

Bob Benson rescues the gay Chevy executive from jail for trying to fellate an undercover officer. Through this, he recognizes he will need a family for appearances moving forward, especially for the job at Buick. He took advantage of Joan’s need for a “husband” before to ingratiate himself and, ultimately, save his job. He offers her the chance to capitalize on his need for a “wife” to get stability and is rebuffed.

Don and Peggy reignite their connection after a couple seasons of feuding, when he helps her rewrite the Burger Chef pitch. In a reversal of “the Suitcase,” Don is helping Peggy stay up late finding her idea. In that episode, Peggy misses her birthday celebration. Here, she is pretending her 30th didn’t happen. They end up slow dancing to “My Way,” with Peggy resting her head on Don’s shoulder, a renewal of their oddly intimate but platonic physical contact. Don, Peggy and Pete break bread in Burger Chef, as the closest thing any of the three have to a family.

* An agency war/battle/breakup seems imminent. Roger gets approached by McCann in the steam room of the New York Athletic Club. The Chevy account, the reason for the merger in the first place, is now lost. There’s turmoil about making Harry Crane a new partner. The tension just seems untenable.

* Nudity. Bonnie goes to see “Oh Calcutta!,” known for full frontal nudity on stage. Don and Megan see “I Am Curious (Yellow)” which features some graphic sex scenes and was declared pornography in some states.

* Timeline. It seems to be late June. “Oh Calcutta!” debuted on June 17th. “My Way” came out on June 14th. The moon landing, obviously, has not happened yet (seems like that would have been worth noting). It does not appear the Stonewall Riots, June 28th, have happened yet either.

* Interesting the way the episode was spaced. A lot of quicker scene changes than normal. Also a more ensemble cast, as opposed to just focusing on a few characters’ storylines.

* Not sure why Don had the JFK Assassination edition of the New York Times, unless its portending back to the breakup of his first marriage as an ominous sign for what’s happening to his second.

The Oscar Pistorius trial is currently on hold as he is facing a metal assessment. Meanwhile, Norm Macdonald went on Conan on Wednesday night and talked about how he never liked Pistorius. Really, this is just an excuse to post his full appearance because I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. (Parts 1 and 3 of his appearance are embedded below.) I would absolutely watch a talk show hosted by Norm. If you haven’t listened to his podcast/YouTube show, go now.

RELATED: An Interview with Norm MacDonald: Part 1
RELATED: Norm MacDonald Interview: Part 2

Shut. It. Down. Your amateur beer league team will never come close to matching the insane awesomeness that is this Full House-inspired hockey sweater for the Philadelphia-area men’s league hockey team, “The Rippers.” A player posted this picture on Reddit and you need to spend the rest of your day looking at it in all its glory.

The neck of the guitar is a hockey stick. The Golden Gate Bridge is in the background. It says “Have Mercy!” But wait… That can’t be the first hand sign for “Cut. It. Out.” Can it? OMG. It is.

We also have the cut it out hand signals in the blue on the forearm. There’s a smash club and wake up San Francisco logo on each shoulder, too.

It is so beautiful I have tears in my eyes right now. I love it. I want to own it. And we haven’t even mentioned this dude’s beard. This picture is so damn sexy it should be the cover of next year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Bravo.

RELATED: Durham Bulls Will Wear R2D2 Jerseys for Star Wars Night Promotion
RELATED: Minor League Baseball Team will Wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Jerseys This Season
RELATED: State College Spikes to Wear “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” Inspired Uniforms For Alfonso Ribeiro

[Reddit]

Dammit.

Dammit.

Dammit.

God dammit!

All season, I have traditionally watched “Silicon Valley” sometime on Monday and watched “Bar Rescue” or sports after Game of Thrones. Last night I had to watch “Silicon Valley” IMMEDIATELY following “Game of Thrones” just to calm my nerves and emotionally recover so I could eventually go to sleep. I just had a horrible feeling of melancholy following last night’s episode of GoT. High hopes shattered and whatnot. So before we get into last night’s devastating(ly awesome) episode, I want to take a moment to officially mention how good “Silicon Valley” was. If you haven’t watched it, go to HBOGo and watch. So good. Even if it is a little Entourage-y in the way it all works out baby bro, the quality of the jokes makes it rise above. Especially the most high-brow dick joke ever told last night. Mike Judge is the man. I really hope no one ever crushes his head with their bare hands.

Ned Stark – Ned Stark sighting! Remember the first time we found out that being a good main character didn’t mean shit? Dammit.

Gilly – What if she’s the Yellow King? Wait. Wrong show. What if she’s the only one who survives the show?

Wildlings – They are your least favorite team, going from city to city laying waste to your dreams.

Castle Black – [taps foot] We’re waiting.

Grey Worm and Missandei – The Ross and Rachel of The Seven Kingdoms. Will they or won’t they! I can’t take it any longer! Are there lobsters in “Game of Thrones?” Because that is the only way to explain what these two are to each other. This pairing also introduced us to, “The Plaza of Pride” and what would have been a good alternate title for this episode, “The pillar and the stones.” Oh, Nathalie…

Ramsey Snow-Bolton – Imagine if you got a promotion at work and your boss was like, “You’re my son now. Here’s the paperwork for your name change.”

Reek – He’s going to need so much therapy because, man, Theon Greyjoy has seen some shit.

Littlefinger – His accent has had the biggest character arc of anyone on the entire show.

Sansa – What a performance in the small-small-counsel meeting. If this were a reality show, you could say that Sansa is starting to “play the game.” Since this is Game of Thrones, I guess you could say the same thing. And then towards the end of the episode, she seemed to be getting her Margaery on. 18 in real life, younger on the show. Lord Baelish, you dog.

Robin Arryn – Things seem to be working out for him. Odds he dies before the next episode airs?

Dany and Jorah – Man, she was mad. This was your classic Rom-Com scenario. At the beginning, Jorah just got close to her because of ulterior motives, but then he fell in love with her! You had me at the Dothraki word for “hello.” Oh well. It was a good run while it lasted. And what horrible timing for him to play the L-card. (#yesallwomen)

As Cardillo pointed out, Jorah is now free to host Bar Rescue: Westeros. With Hot Pie as Brian Duffy and a rotating cast of Maesters of Mixology. He can start with the brothel in Mole’s Town. [points at Gilly] “I think we’ve got a rock star on our hands!” I would watch that.

Arya and The Hound – We got to see both of them laugh in their brief scene. Which was nice.

Orson Lannister – Why was he smashing all those beetles? At first, I didn’t think that conversation was working, but by the end, as the music swelled… Oh, man. Do we really have to do this?

The Mountain vs. The Red Viper

This was like a playoff series where after ever single thing that happens, everyone claims that the series is over. Then when it’s over, half the people say they saw it coming and the other half are bitching about how the losing team got screwed. A team wins one game and everyone proclaims they won’t lose another game and the next thing you know LeBron James has his fingers in Henrik Lundqvist’s eyes and there are brains all over the field. (Thought I’d mix that one up so all sports fans felt included. We all need to pull together in this time of mourning.)
For the non-sports fans, this was like Mario fighting Bowser at the end of a Super Mario Bros. level. You know, if instead Mario getting hit by a fireball and falling into the lava, when the drawbridge opened, Bowser climbed on top of Mario and crushed his tiny plumber skull with his bare hands.

For the “Game of Thrones” fans. Just… dammit. We were so close.

It’s hard to balance this scene’s awesomeness with what it actually means. Awesome fight. Good dialogue. (Ellaria giving Oberyn shit because he didn’t explain the exact circumstances of his plans was a very relationship-y gripe.) Extremely violent and innovative death. But, it also means Tyrion is dead. Fuuuuuuu…

Oberyn was so damn awesome. Maybe one of the best in the show’s entire run. His only crime was wanting justice. Our only crime was watching this show. Dammit. That’s why you have to finish your opponent when you have a chance. Never leave it in the hands of the judges – or The Mountain.

As for the death. HOLY SHIT! Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson is a beast. If there is anyone I can picture CRUSHING A MAN’S SKULL WITH HIS BARE HANDS it is this dude. If you can separate this action from everything that it means, it was so freaking badass. Unfortunately… I can’t so I’m pretty steamed at The Mountain right now. What a jerk.

Dammit.

I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky again this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. We’ll also talk about other random stuff while I try to keep the conversation on track because I take my job seriously. Here’s the link.

RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Mockingbird” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Laws of Gods and Men” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “First of His Name” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Oathkeeper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Breaker of Chains” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Lion and the Rose” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Two Swords” Recap

If you were a semi-recurring character on Game of Thrones and your hair was red, you will not appear in the season finale. Sorry. Thank goodness Lady Sansa didn’t show up. This was the rarest of episodes that did not feature either Tyrion or Cersei. Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey have now appeared in just 36 of the 39 episodes. Does this mean they’re waiting until the final scene of the final episode of the season to kill Tyrion? This is going to suck. Can’t we just have Khaleesi drop the mic somewhere instead? SIGH.

This episode was also rare for another reason – It took place in one location. I believe the only other episode to do that was Blackwater. Speeches. Battles. Fire. GIANTS. I wouldn’t say this was as good as Blackwater, but it was still pretty great. Especially the various times they went with long sustained shots to finally try and give us scale on The Wall, Castle Black and the biggest fire the North has ever seen.

Jon and Sam – Their conversation to start the episode is exactly how American Pie got started. Sam then made it his beeswax to not die before planting a wet one on Gilly.

Jon Snow – He is not a bleeding poet. He got to brag about getting laid. He got to show off his battle skills. His ex-girlfriend died in his arms. He led the successful defense of The Wall. He wandered off alone to kill Gaius Julius Effing Caesar. All around performance out of Jon Snow here.

Sam and Gilly – Sam has now kissed a girl. The highlight of the episode had to be Sam trying to go fight to defend the wall and Gilly playing the “you’re not doing exactly what you said you were going to do” card. Seven Hells, woman. He’s got to save the damn world.

Ygritte – Like a red-headed Legolas. And she finally got to say “You know nothing, Jon Snow” one last time.

The Cook – The Night’s Watch is home to one badass and nonchalant cook. Did he do anything else? Who cares. He looked so damn cool when he killed that Wildling with a cleaver.

Maester Aemon - A nice reprieve from the tension and violence to hear an old guy talk about the time women were throwing themselves at him. I think we need a prequel surrounding his teenage years and how he ended up at The Wall.

Alliser Thorne – So that’s why he’s commander of the Night’s Watch. I would be hopeful about his promoting Jon Snow, but Jon just wandered off into the wilderness so that probably won’t happen this season. Maybe at the end of the series in a Return of the King-ish ending they’ll share a smile.

Styr – That’s the tall bald guy. His fight with Jon Snow was kind of good. And he smashed his face off an iron. Then took a giant ball peen hammer to the dome.

Janos Slynt – I can’t believe he didn’t die in a hilariously embarrassing fashion.

GIANTS – Everything about those guys – and their mammoth – was pretty awesome. I just wish they had shown the fight in the tunnel.

Tormund Giantsbane – The big Wildling with the red hair and beard. You know how you can tell that Wildlings are a bit… touched? One of their leaders’ favorite campfire stories to share is about the time he claims to have banged a bear. The North is the South of Westeros.

Grenn – RIP. His only crime was being brave and ginger. Of all Jon Snow’s dead friends, I think I’ll miss him most of all. Still, why didn’t we get to see them kill the giant?

Jon Snow – Please come back.

RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Mountain and the Viper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Mockingbird” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Laws of Gods and Men” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “First of His Name” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Oathkeeper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Breaker of Chains” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Lion and the Rose” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Two Swords” Recap

Sabina Simonato, a Brazilian reporter for one of the Globo stations, was doing a live shot from Sao Paulo on Thursday when a Croatian fan walked by. The Croatian put his arm around Simonato and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Obviously, this happened before the host country beat Croatia on a few iffy calls so diplomacy between the two countries was still civil. [vid via Globo.com]

RELATED: Oscar’s Classy Finish Clinched Brazil’s 3-1 Win over Croatia
RELATED: Neymar’s First World Cup Goal, Pulled Brazil Level with Croatia
RELATED: The Brazilian National Team Singing its National Anthem Will Give You Goosebumps

Dear Book Readers,

We’re sorry. So sorry. We, the people who have not read the books, want to apologize. We don’t know why you’re so angry. We don’t know why we should be angry. We wish we were angry. The kind of anger that comes from the deeper understanding of the Game of Thr – er, A Song of Ice and Fire universe. While we ignorant illiterate non-readers watched the season finale of Game of Thrones on Sunday night and merely enjoyed the episode, you sat nearby and seethed. The people who make the show, like the people who have not read the books, know not what they do. So when one of us says something about how a particular scene was awesome or how we’ll miss The Hound, pity us. Do not be mad at us. Please. We’re sorry. We just wanted to enjoy the episode while drinking officially licensed craft beer. And please don’t force us to read 1.77 million words between now and next Spring. Let us continue to live in the dark. Winter is coming, but we don’t want to know how it is going to get here.

Love always,

Fans of the Show

Jon Snow – You negotiate nothing, Jon Snow.

Ygritte – She was like the Jennifer Lawrence Above the Wall. Every apparently loved her. Just watch.

Mance Rayder – The King Beyond the Wall drank to Ygritte. (As well as Grenn and Mag The Mighty.) Then he gets taken away by Ser Davos. All-in-all, a pretty small part for Mance. All he really did was break bread with Jon Snow a couple times.

Stannis Baratheon, The One True King of the Seven Kingdoms- I made sure to put that title next to his name because if I didn’t, Ser Davos would have popped up from behind something to correct me. How the eff did Stannis get all those men to the North. Dany has been walking around the desert for like 3 seasons. Three episodes ago, Stannis barely had an army.

The Mountain – This scene was really weird. Why does Cersei care so much about whether The Mountain lives or dies? Is this what those German doctors do to athletes with bad knees? Westeros blood doping? And this guy is going to “change” The Mountain, but he won’t be weaker. Could this mean.. SUPER MOUNTAIN!?

Cersei – Between The Mountain and Tommen, she seems to care a lot about people we never saw her speak with before a monthago.

Tywin – Rough episode. Finds out his twins were having sex. Then he gets shot on the toilet by his other son.

Jaime – Our incestuous, sister-raping hero.

Dany – Here’s Dany’s day. Just repeat this about twelve thousand times.

Missandei: [reads Dany's 7-page resume out loud, in full]
Dany: What’s up? Come to thank me for making everything awesome?
Loyal, Grateful Subject: Khaleesi, my life sucks now.
Greyworm: [stares]
Dany: But I saved you.
LGS: Yeah, kinda, not really. Everything still sucks, but different.
Dany: We shall fix this post hence!
Jorah: Khaleesi, things are not that simple, Khaleesi. (Khaleesi.)
Dany: I thought I told you to scram.
Jorah: My bad, Khaleesi.
Dany: Loyal, grateful subject, have some grain and three orphans to ease your pain.
LGS: It’s not that easy.
Dany: You sure?
LGS: Yup.
Dany: FML.

Dragons – They grew up so fast. What Dany needs to understand is that you can’t just keep your kids locked in a dungeon. Sometimes you have to let them fly. And if they burn a few village children, those are mistakes they are going to have to live with.

Melisandre – “Sup, Jon Snow? How you doin’?”

Jon Snow – He does have a thing for redheads.

Tormund Giantsbane – Game of Thrones is full of the little quips about the nature of relationships and love. Like when Tormund gets to explain he knew Ygritte loved Jon Snow because she always talked about killing him. That’s how you say “women be shoppin'” above The Wall.

Bran – He finally got to… where he was trying to go. In Carcosa, I guess. And that dude is going to turn him into a dragon.

Hodor – I thought he was a goner. I don’t know if I would have been able to process that.

Jojen – Thanks for helping Bran.

The Children – Fancy tree, brah. Frank Miller wants his art design back. The titular children who live under a tree with the Yellow King. Got it. [throws fancy magic fireball]

The Hound – RIP. A thousand RIPs. He was the most fun bad guy.

Pod – “I was watching you! I thought you might need some help!” Never change Pod.

Brienne – She killed The Bloody Hound.

Tyrion – YES!

NO! What are you doing!

Oh. Shit.

Fuuuu….

Holy shit.

What are you…

Oh.

DO IT.

YES.

[passes out for 10 months]

Arya – I don’t care. I liked the final scene(s). I’ve watched the episode 2.5 times now. It left me with a different feeling. Hope for Arya and Tyrion. My two favorite characters. I have no clue where anything is going, but I’m still excited. It’s completely different from how we left the first three seasons (Dany’s dragons, White Walkers show up, Dany frees the slaves)

RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Watchers on the Wall” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Mountain and the Viper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Mockingbird” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Laws of Gods and Men” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “First of His Name” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Oathkeeper” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Breaker of Chains” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “The Lion and the Rose” Recap
RELATED: Game of Thrones: “Two Swords” Recap

The Strain, that TV show with the freaky worm crawling into a wide open human eye on the posters that you have probably been disgusted by, premiered last night on FX. If, like me, you aren’t familiar with the source material, the series is based on a trilogy of novels by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan. (Hogan wrote the book that was turned into The Town.) The premiere episode was kind of awesome in a bad-awesome movie kind of way.

I hadn’t originally planned to watch The Strain on Sunday night, but 30 minutes into the third episode of The Leftovers, I gave up. I couldn’t take it anymore. After an interesting first episode, The Leftovers went into a tailspin of boring. I’ve already sat through one Damon Lindelof show that never gave any answers, so the fact that we already know you’ll never get any answers in The Leftovers means I’m probably not going to be super upset by abandoning it. So long.

With the disappointment of The Leftovers, Halt and Catch Fire and Tyrant, we need another hour-long drama to fill the summer hours. There are a lot of problems with The Strain (which I will exhaustively point out below), but being boring is not one of them. The Strain is the summer’s answer to The Blacklist. A lot of caricatures saying obvious and ridiculous things while entertaining shit happens around them.

You want to know why The Strain is worth your time?

SPOILER

YOU HAVE MY FULL AND UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.

And then it ran away backwards like Patrick from Spongebob had been scared by a spider! It was terrifying, disgusting, gratuitously violent and absolutely hilarious in a 7-second span.

I have no idea what that thing is. It’s the cot damn Grim Reaper combined with The Mountain combined with an evil vampire that probably won’t be having any love triangles with Sookie or a werewolf or anything else. This thing is here to do one thing and that is fuck shit up. Hooray for taking 2-minutes instead of 2-seasons to show the audience what we should be afraid of. Is this what happened to the missing people in The Leftovers? Because I would watch that.

Dr. Ephraim Goodweather – So this is our hero. He’s kind of a douche who is going through a divorce. He gets to a counseling session in Astoria (Note: That is not Astoria), Queens and parks in front of a fire hydrant. His wife’s new boyfriend tells him he can’t park there. That dude is also parked illegally next to the hydrant. What a dick. The counseling session is extremely pointless. It is an attempt to build character. It is summer. There is no time or reason for such frivolous things. Let me explain what you need to know about Dr. Eff… wait. No. Mr. Eff.

1. That is Peter Russo from House of Cards. WITH HAIR. Realizing that was Pete Russo with hair was one of the highlights of my weekend.

2. His defining character trait is that he drinks milk. Seriously. He gets to the site of the virus outbreak and his assistant hands him a freaking single-serving milk carton like he just strolled into a damn elementary school cafeteria. Acting.

3. He gets from Astoria to JFK in 20 minutes. That’s how you drive when you’re a cocksure CDC employee.

4. His complete dismissal of Walder Frey – yes, Walder Frey. Like, 4 times in one conversation.

5. He gives a big speech on contagions and touching faces which gets an “oops, you just got pwn’d” look from his assistants. Speaking of…

Sexy Doctor Scientist Lady – She is a science doctor. And wants you to be nicer to Mr. Eff. She also takes part in the most gratuitous suiting-up scene like that since Star Trek Into Darkness. Then she and Mr. Eff change like 20 times. None of those are shown, but they do full outfit changes from their HazMat suits to their regular clothes at least 5 times.

Sean Astin – Yeah, Rudy is in this. He’s like the third banana at the CDC team. So when Mr. Eff and Sex Doctor Scientist Lady are going through the plane and the cockpit is unlocked and Sean Astin doesn’t think SDSL should be going into the cockpit alone and then he tries to send in the SWAT team. It makes no sense. He obviously has his job because he keeps Mr. Eff’s milk cold.

Walder Frey – The Late Walder Frey is some kind of old badass vampire hunter who runs a pawn shop in Harlem. I would watch that show.

Evil Illuminati Vampire Warm-Blooded Reptilian Things – I guess this is a show about vampires. With worms. Who love the cold. Who were brought to Manhattan by a billionaire cancer patient at the head of a secret organization of vampires. These vampires are not as powerful on Long Island.

Gus – Why does the Evil Corporate Vampire Syndicate hire a gangbanger to drive the box? He seems like kind of a loose cannon. He brought a gun to an airport.

JFK Security – There are hundreds of people and media members out on the tarmac. An old man walks past security with a giant sword. Gus has a gun and gets out the one thing that shouldn’t have been able to leave. And why did the giant coffin need to be picked up anyway? The giant Grim VampiReaper flew away with the box and put it in a van. This is one of those ancient things that can only get to Manhattan by van?

4:55am – Back to Gus for a moment. Gus calls his mother. At 4:55am. And asks if his brother is home. His mother is making breakfast for his brother. Who is drinking the last beer in the fridge. At 4:55am. While watching loud Spanish television. While his mother is making him breakfast. At 4:55am. No scene in television history has ever left more questions unanswered.

Creepy Little Girl – That last scene was creepy as Eff. Well, not Eff the character. Eff as in short for the F-World. Super creepy. I guess my only question is why is this girl flying alone and why did her father have a framed 8×10 with him at the airport?

Manifest – Let’s see… What’s on the manifest? We’ve got one giant vampire coffin soil box, 40 generators, 10 televisions and 10,000 condoms. Wait, did he just say 10,000 condoms? WHY WERE THERE TEN THOUSAND CONDOMS ON THIS PASSENGER FLIGHT!? Please don’t let this be a throwaway line.

Other notable things: Family Watching Live News on Laptop, Father and Son Signing Text Messages to Each Other, Sweet Caroline in Morgue, Technology (Autopsy by FaceTime. Speaking of the autopsies, they have one guy doing 206 autopsies?), The Clock (What’s up with The Clock? The only time that seemed to matter was sunrise.), New York City – If you want to read the names of different parts of New York, this show is for you.)

In conclusion: I don’t know if I will write about this show every week, but I will be watching this show forever. It’s dumb. It’s creepy. It’s awesome and violent. It is The Blacklist with Walder Frey, Pete Russo and The Grim Reader Vampire Illuminati. It is the only new thing this summer that has been remotely worth watching.

Sharknado 2 is a thing people are Social Media’ing about. Richard Kind, aka Cousin Andy from Curb Your Enthusiasm, hit a home run at Citi Field. Not sure if there is meaningful context that would aid comprehension. [via @WorldofIsaac]

RELATED: Sharknado 2 is Filming Scenes at Citi Field, Apparently
RELATED: Mets PR Trivia Contest: Name the Former Player Pictured Above His Name
RELATED: Mets Fan Driven To Theatrical Apoplexy By Braves Foul Ball Catch
RELATED: Bartolo Colon Trying to Hit Continues to Provide Amusing Baseball GIFs

As you may or may not have heard by now, FXX is running a Simpsons marathon. Like many on this here Internet, I spent much of Thursday watching the show’s first two seasons. The characters would all eventually end up a bit different as the program’s writers hit their groove around Season 3, but these are my thoughts based on what aired yesterday:

1. Many of the conflicts in the early episodes arrive from the family’s collective inability to keep up appearances. Because everybody around them looks to have it all together, Marge and Homer are constantly self-conscious about their status. Even more than money, though that’s certainly an issue, other families look like they’re so much more mutually affectionate.

In “There’s No Disgrace Like Home,” Bart and Lisa can’t behave themselves at Mr. Burns’ company picnic, and Marge gets drunk. Another family there appears to be so happy and devoted that Homer sees them with halos on top of their heads; Homer thinks he sees the same enviable characteristics when he spies on neighborhood families through their windows.

Of course, those families aren’t actually perfect, because nobody is in reality. They’re more adept than the Simpsons at making other people think their lives are so wonderful, but Homer, Marge, and we have no clue what everything is like when nobody is looking.

However, their social grace — and purported superiority — is probably accompanied by a lack of character depth, because that’s the way these things tend to go with that specific breed of envied social climbers. The Simpsons are more sincere and interesting people, and the show’s writers allow us to see that even if the family doesn’t always realize it.

2. Nevertheless, it’s completely understandable why Homer resents Ned Flanders. In the first two seasons especially, Flanders is perpetually flaunting his expensive material purchases, whether it’s a riding mower, fancy sneakers, or his rumpus room equipped with several gaming tables and snooty imported beer on tap.

Flanders’ humility alternates between genuine and contrived, and only Homer is able to perceive the latter, which makes him even more irate. Flanders isn’t entirely terrible, but you can see why Homer would be bitter about others’ comparative perceptions of the two in society’s metaphorical competition. Again, though, Flanders’ outward sublimity is not everything it’s cracked up to be — his relentless anxiety drives habitual phone calls to Reverend Lovejoy in the middle of the night.

Maude was attractive and perky, and she’d never embarrass Ned, but she also won’t ever think or say anything original or profound, as Marge is wont to do. Rod and Todd might become boring middle managers at a Fortune 500 company, or they might go bonkers when they go away for college and get hooked on designer drugs. Their ceiling is obviously lower than Lisa’s, and I’d wager Bart will ultimately lead a more fulfilling and stimulating life than they do — even if, like Homer versus Ned, it may not be viewed as more successful through a conventional, superficial lens.

3. Bart would probably be over-medicated in 2014, prescribed to eight different pills that would combine to mold him into a boring or veritably insane person. (Bart would take the equivalent of Ritalin in “Brother’s Little Helper,” which aired in the 11th season in 1999, and he became paranoid — rightfully as it turned out — of an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by MLB.)

While Bart can of course be a little hellion, he’s far from irredeemable. Homer and Marge don’t quite know the exact right buttons to push, but he means well and could be steered towards areas that optimize his talents by the right mentors. There’s almost a prevailing belief that Bart will grow up to be a big loser — perpetuated by “Bart to the Future” — but I think he could leverage his charisma and curiosity and figure something out, even if that doesn’t happen until his thirties.

4. There was a commercial for an ambulance chasing law firm that aired during “Bart Gets Hit By a Car,” where Homer, Lionel Hutz, and Dr. Nick Riviera tried to bilk Mr. Burns. That cracked me up.

5. As it turns out, the outrage brigade existed before Twitter and other social media. In “Itchy & Scratchy & Marge,” Marge leads a crusade against the cartoon, whose producers received trucks and trucks of hate mail. Marge finds herself marginalized in a cynical cable news debate that resembled a lot of the absurdities we see today. Outrage might take a lot less effort to muster and disseminate these days, but the LIBERAL AGENDA has always been pesky for politically incorrect stakeholders.

6. Also, we’re not the first generation to be staring at our screens all day. They’re just different screens. In “The Way We Was,” the TV stopped working, and that shit was catastrophic for a minute.

7. As my fellow Chicagoan Sean Highkin pointed out, there was so much marital strife in the first couple seasons. Much of it stemmed from Homer’s self-absorption, and the fact that his outward self wasn’t exactly something to aspire for — this was magnified when he and Marge were bickering. However, his self-awareness would always eventually kick in, and he’d atone. For all of his faults, his stubbornness never endured past the point of no return.

John Rocker and his girlfriend, Julie McGee (a spray-tan entrepreneur), are among the contestants on the upcoming season of Survivor, as reported by Entertainment Weekly. They’ll be competing as a pair. If you’re wondering if Rocker has mellowed out since his infamous SI profile, he lamented baseball’s new diversity initiatives last year and opined that the sport was better with steroids.

Physically, the couple looks like they will be able to endure many of the challenges inherent in the reality show, but intelligence and collaboration are also important traits in Survivor. My money would be on Rocker to say a few CONTROVERSIAL things, but not emerge victorious.

Related: John Rocker Went on Cleveland Radio and Said Baseball Was Better With Steroids, Duh
Related: John Rocker is Still Alive, Against Baseball Diversity Initiatives
Related: Jeff Pearlman Discusses His Showtime Lakers Book, the Writing Process, and Qualms With SI Swimsuit

Erin Andrews is the new co-host of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. Here she is flaunting her commitment to a project that is not poring over National Football League minutiae, holding bare-shouldered dress options that would make Bud Selig blush and exposing her ankles to the entire World Wide Web. And, look, here’s someone posting about it on a sports blog (from his mother’s…kitchen) while people stop purchasing ads in an outmoded paper medium.

Hell in a hand basket.

This world.

Perhaps.

Pre-1974 Classic Rock reference.

RELATED: WEEI Host on Erin Andrews: “What a gutless bitch … Drop dead”
RELATED: Erin Andrews and Charissa Thompson Took a Selfie With Larry David
RELATED: Bill Simmons and Erin Andrews Discussed the Reassignment of NESN Reporter Jenny Dell
RELATED: Someone Dubbed Erin Andrews and Richard Sherman With Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog

The Simpsons is, by far, my favorite media of all time. This must be established in the first sentence or the rest of this meandering, semi-coherent 2,000 word post isn’t going to make a lick of sense. Consider it on par with Dickens establishing that Marley is dead in the opening line of A Christmas Carol.

I’m 33 years old, yet a Larry Burns figure still manage to find a space on my living room bookcase. So yeah, FXX’s Simpsons marathon which began at 10 a.m. on Aug. 21 has been the best/worst thing ever. Since last Thursday — aside from a fantasy draft on Saturday — the marathon’s taken up a permanent spot on my television. The tradeoff? By Tuesday night every time I closed my eyes for a split second I heard Ruxin from The League mumbling a joke about farts.

The Simspsons has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. The scary thing is, I was in fourth grade when it started — the same age as Bart. Now I’m almost Homer’s age at the start of the series. (I’ve lost track of the series’ most-recent ret-con.) People have been writing about — and complaining — about The Simpsons on the Internet for nigh on 25 years. There is a noticeable change in spirit and dip in quality sometime around Season 9 or 10. One Simpsons site has gone so far as to dub the post Season Nine episodes as “Zombie Simpsons,” in short the same names, places and characters but an entirely different show.

Let’s cut the show’s “golden era” off at the end of Season 9 — there’s a decline here already, but the presence of “The Cartridge Family” redeems the season. That span accounts for 203 episodes, not even half of the series’ total run of 552 episodes (and counting). As I type this there are still seven damn seasons left to go until the FXX marathon concludes on Labor Day. That’s a staggering 12,144+ total minutes of television. To expect each of those 12,144 minutes to be pure gold and wholly original is patently unrealistic.

Consider this: in 1989 America there were three major networks (CBS, ABC and NBC) and a nascent Fox (whoa Bundy!)  coupled with, say, 50-ish cable channels. (Remember motels advertising how they had ESPN?) A Simpsons first season episode, “Life in the Fast Lane,” drew 33.5 million viewers. Fast forward to 2014 and network TV is a withering institution; its biggest scripted show, The Big Bang Theory, topped off at around 19 million viewers. In addition there are 100s of cable channels and streaming options like Netflix. The SEC now has its own network on the dial.

By now, unless you’re a Simpsons freak you have to ask: Why do you waste so much of your time care about a stupid cartoon so much? Well, stupid-head, The Simpsons is probably the greatest piece of culture to hit Western Civilization, that’s why. I established that in the first sentence of the post.

If you disagree, save yourself time and click your browser to something else.

I’ve seen the “golden era” episodes 5-6 times each — at minimum, including DVD commentary. Is there anything else we can say about the undisputed greatness that is Last Exit to Springfield? Honestly, there was nothing new to glean from that era of episodes via a gimmicky cable marathon except warm, fuzzy happy feelings of nostalgia.

But how about the “newer” episodes? Episodes from 2003 or 2013? Would a fresh set of eyes matter? Would I finally be able to look past my disappointment when the show lost its magic around 2000, (ugh, “Bart  The Mother”) as I slowly morphed into an Easter/Christmas Simpsons fan, only tuning in for the Treehouse of Horror and or the occasional “event” episode? Would re-watching these episodes in bulk be worthwhile?

Oh right, like I really needed an excuse to watch The Simpsons for a week straight.

Alternately let’s call this: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Homer Never Working at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant & Begrudgingly Accept the Post Season Nine Episodes of The Simpsons.

On to the totally random observations and vaguely coherent points about a cartoon!

* It still amazes me that circa 1989 The Simpsons was considered controversial. Parents, congressmen and the Tipper Gores of the world hated the phrase “Underachiever and proud of it.” The ugly, unflattering truths the show told was taboo for network television in those simpler times, apparently. My own parents weren’t too thrilled about the show, so I think the first time I watched the Christmas episode was on a VHS tape at my friend’s house. I loved it immediately. My dad finally acquiesced in the episode people mistakenly thought Homer was Bigfoot, admitting the show was funny. (Fun fact: this week my dad thought Mr. Plow was Mr. Snow.)

The Simpsons, initially an extension from Groening’s darkly cynical — and really damn funny — Life in Hell comic, was born from an anti-Nixon, anti-yuppie ethos that raged against the pointlessness of modern life circa 1984. Now? The Matt Groening worldview is ingrained in too much of pop culture to even begin to quantify it. Comedy itself post-1990 is The Simpsons. How can a show still effectively satirize culture, when it’s become the culture?

* Part of the timeless appeal of the early episodes — and the run of Seinfeld to a degree — is nostalgia. It takes us back to a world before cell phones and the Internet took over our lives. If I have to explain a rotary phone joke to one of my nieces or nephews someday, so be it.

* Season Eight’s “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show” and “Homer’s Enemy” are rightfully considered classics in the show’s canon. Both are extremely meta-episodes, commenting on the state of television — let’s add a new character to freshen things up! — and the show itself — if Homer is such a boorish lout, wouldn’t the average, working man hate him like poor ol’ Grimey?

These ideas work, once or twice.

Post-Season nine episodes (when the unfairly maligned Mike Scully was in charge) take the meta references to another level, as the writers made not-t00-subtle jabs at the “worst episode ever” Internet crowd. Oh right, they even wrote an episode titled “Worst Episode Ever” where Comic Book Guy dates Agnes Skinner … for some reason. Maybe the writers thought the show was about to end, so why not try new things and push convention rather than recycling a tired trope? Or maybe classics like “Marge vs. the Monorail” set the surrealism bar too high, meaning meta-gags were the only way the show could move forward. (Yes, Lisa remarks on the episodic nature of television in “Homer Loves Flanders” in Season Six.)

At some point, the writers started messing around with the constructs of 22-minute sitcoms to the extent the third act or final minute of the show is a total misdirection, justified by “for some reason” logic. For instance, “The Frying Game” ends with Homer about to get the electric chair but it turns out to be an elaborate reality TV prank — replete with a Carmen Electra cartoon cleavage cameo! It’s actually one of the more coherent third acts during this era of the show, which include things like the family going on a surf safari as the credits roll. The only explanation is the writer’s room was collectively hypnotized while someone softly repeated the words “Deus ex machina” over and over for an hour.

I lost track of how many times characters broke the fourth wall asking aloud, “how does any of this make sense?” around Season 12. Even today, I’m not sure if I appreciate those winking acknowledgements to the critics or if it infuriates me that they accepted their sustained, forgettable mediocrity. Once Al Jean returned as showrunner in Season 13, the zany, trope-twisters acquiesced to a degree.

* “Don’t worry, I’m not a stabbing hobo, I’m a singing hobo.”

* Early on the show wasn’t overtly political, at least toward current events — instead favoring broad satire such as Mr. Burns running against Mary Bailey for governor or Bart stumbling upon Barbara Bush in a bath tub at the White House. Season Five’s “Homer the Vigilante” is (I think) the first time the show comments on the 1990 conflict in the Gulf when Skinner’s Stormin’ Norman collector’s plates are stolen (again). By the 2000s the show’s status was established enough that it could frequently mention America’s current foreign policy without anyone so much as batting an eye.

* “I will not do the Dirty Bird.” — probably the only time a chalkboard gag prompted actual laugh-out-loud laughter during the marathon.

* John Swartzweleder’s pennant jokes, bravo.

* The entire cast’s voice work is incredible, but Dan Castellaneta’s ability to turn any line from Homer into a laugh is simply amazing.

* I still have no idea what to make of “The Principle & The Pauper” — the episode in Season Nine where it’s revealed (spoiler) Skinner is a impostor/Swank aficionado named Armen Tamzarian. At least that episode tries to mess with your perceptions about a long-standing character. Other more-meta episodes like “Saddlesore Galactica” — aka the jockey one — are just … well … not very good.

* The perception the “newer” episodes of The Simpsons are unredeemingly bad is wrong. For one, people like me consider an episode written in 2003 “new.” While these episodes aren’t bad, they’re nowhere near the sheer, unattainable greatness from the show’s Golden Era. Is all other artwork “bad” because it is not the Mona Lisa? Are all other hockey players “bad” because they’re not Wayne Gretzky? The new-ish episodes contain funny one-liners and are still watchable, much moreso than say a Two and a Half Men rerun.

* That said, the early Simpsons episodes that we know and love were bleak, cynical and overrun with sarcasm, yet they still had a sentimental quality — attribute that to the presence of James L. Brooks. Even if the family hated one another or zapped everyone at Dr. Marvin Monroe’s shock therapy center, deep down they loved each other. More than that, they felt like real people and even though they were animated you could relate to them. Dammit if some of those early Lisa episodes aren’t affecting. Less affecting? Homer’s selfish, borderline sociopathic, ‘Merica personality in the middle years.

Watching in bulk you notice a gradual shift, as every character morphed into glib, soulless, one-liner factories … sort of like how everyone who grew up watching the show turned out. The show’s long-running commentary of children being raised by television manifested indeed. Call it the “meh” generation.

[RELATED: Seven Observations from Watching The Simpsons All Day]

* If I’m truthful, the new-ish episodes have too many gags. For instance in “She Used to Be My Girl”– featuring Kim Catrell as a name-dropping reporter, hey, at least she plays a character as opposed to a pointless celebrity cameo playing his or herself — Marge cleans a dirty bathtub. Homer has written, “Homer Rules” in grime. That’s a joke right there, but 5.3 seconds later Homer wanders into screen and says, “Good news Marge, I’ve learned to walk naked on stilts.” (Smash cut to something else.)

It’s a typical exchange of jokes filling out time rather than advancing the plot.

* This has nothing to do with the show, but I could really go for a magisterial Dairy Queen Blizzard right now, Ray Hudson.

* Cartoon characters don’t age. The Simpsons starts its 26th season in September. Continuity (and mundane, family-based plots) over a span of that length is impossible. That said, I’ll pretend the episode where Homer mirrors Kurt Cobain never existed. It’s for the best.

* RIP Phil Hartman.

* Buy the Season Four DVD and re-watch a couple times per year. Remember, “Batman’s a scientist.”

* Maybe it would have become overkill eventually, but the more Albert Brooks, the better. Brooks is deservedly lauded for his portrayal of Hank Scorpio in the widely-loved “You Only Move Twice,” but even in the forgotten Season 16 episode “Heartbroke Kid” Brooks brings something special to a small part as weight loss guru Tab Spangler. (The ad-libbing in the credits!)

* Yes, it sucks that FXX cropped the non-HD episodes to fit the 16:9 widescreen format. As someone who still has a box of VHS tapes of episodes recorded off WTIV at 5:30 p.m. after school, I’ll look past the crops for airing the episodes fully intact, without their syndication edits.

* “Dad! Knocking over gravestones is bad luck! … Really? I heard good.”

* Family Guy has been derided as a Simpsons clone — or much worse, famously by South Park — as nothing more than 22 minutes of barely connected cutaway jokes and limp pop culture references. Later on, The Simpsons sometimes isn’t much better. In Season 16’s “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass” — LeBron James, Tom Brady, Michelle Kwan, Warren Sapp and Yao Ming cameos! — an Italian tour bus drives by the Simpson home (for some reason). Nintendo’s Mario happens to be on the bus (Italians, duh), producing a pointless Donkey Kong recreation for 4.5 seconds. The same thing goes for the writer’s developing an affinity to have Marge spout random pop culture lines such as remarking, “I feel like I’m in the Bourne Identity,” during a trip to visit Sideshow Bob in Italy.

* Oh right, in “Thank God, It’s Doomsday” God says, “Deux es machina,” to explain the rapture-based plotline.

* Cooper Manning appeared in an episode as himself, lest we forget.

* Best. Tweet. Ever?

* I’ve made a mental picture in my head of Conan O’Brien prancing around the writer’s room saying, “the name’s Lanley … Lyle Lanley” as he pitched “Marge vs. the Monorail.” Bless you, Conan. Bless you.

* “Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?”

* Counterpoint to all this criticism? In Season 2’s “Bart the Daredevil”– originally aired on Dec. 6, 1990– Homer jumps over Springfield Gorge on Bart’s skateboard. Okay, we know he doesn’t make the jump, instead falling down the gorge in a stunt that would kill anyone not named Wile E. Coyote.

Then again, maybe the show’s always been an insane, surreal gag-fest without any semblance of reality from the start. “It’s been going downhill since the first Tracy Ullman short,” — a line someone probably wrote on alt.tv.simpsons circa 1989.

My only conclusion here? I’m happy to live in a world where The Simpsons can run uninterrupted for 12 straight days … and so are the FXX programmers.

(This has been the worst post ever.)